No More “Shallow Hals” Please……..

My husband died over two years ago. I mourned his death and came to terms with it after a year.  So for the last year I have been trying to start a new chapter in my life. I can’t tell you how weird it feels that my daughter is married and here I don’t even have a boyfriend.

I tried internet dating for a while and that was a disaster. I know I am not beautiful and that I am just average looking. Most guys are looking for outer beauty and physically fit. Hence I say the “Shallow Hals”. Last year I lost 80 pounds through eating healthy and a combination of walking and bike riding. After getting sick around Thanksgiving and not being able to exercise, I have gained 20 pounds back. I now have 45 pounds that I want to lose. This is going to be an uphill battle for me because I am not going to be able to exercise for a while. It will be mid-June before I can get out and walk and ride my bike like I want to.

Here is the problem I have with men right now. Most men want  a woman who is at least an eight. I know that there are men out there that are saying you are wrong. I am just saying what has been my experience. I consider myself a 5 or 6 realistically. However if you take my personality, heart and inner beauty into consideration, I think I become a 9. Now most guys will take one look at me and never give me the chance to show them my inner beauty. I am shy when I first get to know someone. I think some people see me as stuck up because of this when in reality I am just not used to talking to men.

I am a proud catholic and I take my faith very seriously. I can’t tell you how many guys this has turned off. Almost all the guys on the internet dating sites claim to be catholic but when it comes down to it they are not practicing. Family is the most important thing to me. Losing my husband has taught me if nothing else that life is a gift and not a given. I try to make each day count. My daughter is married and 21 and yet I have a very special relationship with her. We tell each other I Love You everyday and we are always very affectionate. Most of my co-workers and friends have kids her age that will show them no affection especially in public. I consider myself honored to have such a special daughter.  My mom is also very special in my life. She is suffering from early Alzheimer’s and needs my help sometimes. Men claim that family is important to them, but when it comes down to it they do not show it.  I have lost more than one guy because they didn’t like my daughter or her involvement in my life. Any man who wants to date me has to understand that I come with baggage in the form of my daughter, son-in-law, mom and of course our two dogs.

I don’t think my list of must haves is unreasonable or too long considering I am looking for a lifetime partner and not just someone to have fun with. I am looking for a catholic, family oriented, honest, faithful, hard-working, reliable, affectionate, romantic, easy-going man. I love music and sports. I do not like party boys or playboys. At my age I want someone who want to settle down and not add another notch to their belt. I almost forgot one of the most important things. He has to live somewhat close to me. I live just outside of Chicago but in Indiana. I DO NOT want someone in California or Florida or God forbid another country. Been there done that, it doesn’t work.   I do not want a long distance anything. I want to see and be able to touch the person who will become my boyfriend.

I know this post is coming off like a dating site profile. That is not the purpose of this message though. I am just trying to vent some of my dating or lack of dating experience for other to read. If anyone knows a “good” guy who meets all my criteria, let me know.  I have read other women’s sites who are widows and are going through the same thing I am. If anyone has feedback for me, please send me a comment. I want to hear what the blogging world has to say. Even men, let me know what you think about what I have written. Don’t be afraid, I can take it!




Finding Inner Peace…..

Being a practicing catholic requires that I go to mass weekly. Most times the sermon is good but not something I can readily relate to. Today was different as the sermon revolved around finding inner peace. The priest used the example that he finds inner peace while eating a layered chocolate cake topped with raspberries.

Inner peace is different for everyone. Finding what can truly make you feel at peace with yourself and with your life is not an easy task.  For me feeling at peace involves many different things all working together to give me happiness. By far the most important thing that helps bring me inner peace is the knowledge that my close family is all healthy. Health to me is as valuable as gold. You can have all the money in the world yet if you become sick you cannot buy your way to health. Many very rich people have died from cancer because their money could not cure them. Having buried my husband at an all too early age (only 49), I live by the rule that life is a gift not a given and should be cherished always.

Another component necessary for my inner peace involves contentment of my place in life. This in itself is complicated. I have said before that I love my job and this plays a big part in my contentment. Knowing that I am doing what I love and that I am appreciated at my work makes me feel good.  The happiness of my family is another part of my being content. Knowing that my daughter and son-in-law are happily married and content with their life brings me a peaceful feeling. I also need to be content with where I am in my personal life. This right now is a work in progress. I am single and live alone. This is not by choice. I have been looking for a lifetime partner for a while now and have yet to meet the right person.  I know the perfect mate is out there if I am patient. I cannot let the pain and suffering of the past stop me from finding my soulmate.

The final component to me for inner peace is dealing with the pain, hurt and suffering of the past. I have to come to terms with the death of my husband and the pain involved with watching someone you love get sick and ultimately die before your eyes. I feel I am at the end of my journey on dealing with his death. Being able to talk about my experiences both through blogging and in person has helped me come to terms with what happened.  One is not free to feel true inner peace if there are unresolved issues in their life. This contradicts what inner peace is all about.

I may not be totally at a place of inner peace yet.  I still have some issues to resolve. I am a work in progress and never claimed to be anything different. I know that one day when I least expect it, I will realize I have reached true inner peace.