Starting Over at 45….

I can honestly say I never pictured myself starting my life over at 45. But that is exactly what I am doing! Let me explain.

It has now been just over 2.5 years since my husband died. We were married for 22 years and 2 months to the day when he died. I swear he did that on purpose because he loved the number 2. He was sick for over 2 years before he died, so his death did not come as a surprise. It was almost a blessing to know that his suffering would be over. We came to peace with everything before he died so there was no unfinished business.

We had one daughter in our marriage. She is almost 22 years old and moved out of my house for good with her husband last month. I hated to see her leave, but at the same time I knew it was time to start her life with her husband. They had to leave their dog with me for another year because where my boy goes to school they can’t get an apartment that allows dogs. Next year they will move and take her with them. I love having her because she keeps my dog company.

Since I have the two dogs, I am not technically alone. I just do not live with any humans. I am at a point in my life now that I am alone and the kids are gone that I need to figure out what I want to do. I have spent the last two years figuring out who I am and what I want out of life.

I have devoted much energy toward my job. I love being a quality accountant. The responsibility I am given makes the job challenging yet extremely rewarding. The fact that I love numbers only makes thing better. I work long hours but it doesn’t bother me because it keeps me from dwelling on being alone.

My husband expressed a wish before he died that after a while I find someone to share my life with. He knew I was too young to be alone the rest of my life. I have been talking to a great guy for almost a year. We have yet to meet in person because he lives in a different part of the country. We have connected on a level only two mature adults can reach. We look forward to the day when we will meet. He has expressed an interest to move to Indiana so he can be with me. For now we take things one day at a time. We know that everything happens for a reason and if we are meant to be together it will happen.

Other than hating being alone, I am content with my life. My future will be what I make of it.  I look at it as I am being given a second chance at life and I had better not waste it. I will always love and take care of my kids as long as I am able.  I will continue to strive to be an excellent employee and someone my company can be proud of. I might be a dreamer but I am hoping for a happily ever after in my future….




No More “Shallow Hals” Please……..

My husband died over two years ago. I mourned his death and came to terms with it after a year.  So for the last year I have been trying to start a new chapter in my life. I can’t tell you how weird it feels that my daughter is married and here I don’t even have a boyfriend.

I tried internet dating for a while and that was a disaster. I know I am not beautiful and that I am just average looking. Most guys are looking for outer beauty and physically fit. Hence I say the “Shallow Hals”. Last year I lost 80 pounds through eating healthy and a combination of walking and bike riding. After getting sick around Thanksgiving and not being able to exercise, I have gained 20 pounds back. I now have 45 pounds that I want to lose. This is going to be an uphill battle for me because I am not going to be able to exercise for a while. It will be mid-June before I can get out and walk and ride my bike like I want to.

Here is the problem I have with men right now. Most men want  a woman who is at least an eight. I know that there are men out there that are saying you are wrong. I am just saying what has been my experience. I consider myself a 5 or 6 realistically. However if you take my personality, heart and inner beauty into consideration, I think I become a 9. Now most guys will take one look at me and never give me the chance to show them my inner beauty. I am shy when I first get to know someone. I think some people see me as stuck up because of this when in reality I am just not used to talking to men.

I am a proud catholic and I take my faith very seriously. I can’t tell you how many guys this has turned off. Almost all the guys on the internet dating sites claim to be catholic but when it comes down to it they are not practicing. Family is the most important thing to me. Losing my husband has taught me if nothing else that life is a gift and not a given. I try to make each day count. My daughter is married and 21 and yet I have a very special relationship with her. We tell each other I Love You everyday and we are always very affectionate. Most of my co-workers and friends have kids her age that will show them no affection especially in public. I consider myself honored to have such a special daughter.  My mom is also very special in my life. She is suffering from early Alzheimer’s and needs my help sometimes. Men claim that family is important to them, but when it comes down to it they do not show it.  I have lost more than one guy because they didn’t like my daughter or her involvement in my life. Any man who wants to date me has to understand that I come with baggage in the form of my daughter, son-in-law, mom and of course our two dogs.

I don’t think my list of must haves is unreasonable or too long considering I am looking for a lifetime partner and not just someone to have fun with. I am looking for a catholic, family oriented, honest, faithful, hard-working, reliable, affectionate, romantic, easy-going man. I love music and sports. I do not like party boys or playboys. At my age I want someone who want to settle down and not add another notch to their belt. I almost forgot one of the most important things. He has to live somewhat close to me. I live just outside of Chicago but in Indiana. I DO NOT want someone in California or Florida or God forbid another country. Been there done that, it doesn’t work.   I do not want a long distance anything. I want to see and be able to touch the person who will become my boyfriend.

I know this post is coming off like a dating site profile. That is not the purpose of this message though. I am just trying to vent some of my dating or lack of dating experience for other to read. If anyone knows a “good” guy who meets all my criteria, let me know.  I have read other women’s sites who are widows and are going through the same thing I am. If anyone has feedback for me, please send me a comment. I want to hear what the blogging world has to say. Even men, let me know what you think about what I have written. Don’t be afraid, I can take it!



I Got To Leave The House…….

I know there are many people out there who dread going to work everyday. Fortunately I am not one of them. I absolutely love my job and the people I work with. Knowing I am appreciated and cared about by both my bosses and fellow workers makes a big difference.

As most of you know, I had foot surgery last week. I now have to work at home for the next 10 weeks or so. This is working out well considering I get almost all my work emailed to me anyway. Many people would consider working at home a dream come true. I am not going to lie, I do love it. There is one very important thing that I really miss, my co-workers and interacting with people.  I live alone with my two dogs. Now don’t get me wrong the dogs are great company but they are no match for human interaction. My blog has helped me connect with people and has been a godsend. I look forward to the daily posts and talking with fellow bloggers. The true human contact and interaction is what I miss.

Well yesterday two of my co-workers went out of their way and came and picked me up for work. I cannot tell you how good it felt to get out of the house! It made it especially nice that my co-workers were genuinely happy to see me! 🙂 Just sitting at my desk in the middle of a big room full of accounting people made me feel so much better. I can’t describe how much it means to know that my company is 100% behind me in my recovery. We decided I will go into work once a week. This way we can trade paperwork and I can get out of the house! I brought a ton of paperwork home to match up and go through but that is OK because I got out of the house.

Tomorrow my sister-in-law is picking me up to go to the movies in town. I am so looking forward to seeing the movie “The Call”. My daughter is actually envious that I am going. I will never take mobility for granted since this is the fourth foot surgery for me. You really learn who your true friends are when you need help. I am grateful to all my family and friends for their prayers and well wishes.  I am actually looking forward to Wednesday when I will get to go back into work. Am I crazy?  Maybe, but hey at least I get to get out of the house!

Being Alone ….Takes Planning

I have written in previous posts that I live alone.  This is not by choice but it is where I am in life. My kids will be home next month from college for the summer. Normally be alone is no big deal, just very lonely at time.  This week, however I had to have foot surgery.  The surgery went well and now I am just waiting on the biopsy results. I have to be off my feet for at least a week. I will be working from home.

Preparing to come home after surgery to nothing but my two loving dogs takes quite a bit of planning.  I cannot leave the house and I need everything in order to get by for the week. I started out my planning by making sure that me and the dogs would have plenty of food for the week. I did an extensive grocery shopping last weekend. My daughter will be home this weekend and can pick up any groceries I might have forgotten or will be needing. I also had to plan meals for myself since I am not allowed to be up for more than 5 minutes at a time.  I decided to make two of my favorite meals to eat during my recuperation. I cooked up two kinds of fish tilapia and basa. My daughter and I absolutely love fish. I also made my favorite chicken Marsala. This way when it is time to eat all I have to do is heat them in the microwave. I had to make sure I also had plenty of dog food and treats on hand. The dogs are going through the treats like water so I think my daughter will end up having to buy some more. I readily admit I spoil the dogs like crazy.

I also had to make sure the house was cleaned and the laundry done. My daughter will be doing my laundry this weekend. When the kids come home for the weekend I am sure the house will be a mess. They bring enough stuff for two days to make it look like they are staying for a week! I had the foresight to get the medicine I will be needing for after surgery before the surgery. Once I was dropped off yesterday I am home-bound and on my own.

Getting everything work related ready to work from home was a challenging task. I had to make sure I didn’t forget any of my paperwork at the office. I am now relying only on email to do my job. Since I am the only one at my work that does my job it is hard to be away for long. I am a quality accountant and it really needs to be a one person job. I must have total control of all testing and results. No steel is allowed to be shipped out of the three plants I control without my OK. Within an hour after coming home from the surgery center yesterday, I was already doing work from home. For me working is a form of therapy. It requires total concentration and no mistakes are allowed. People’s lives are depending on me to get my job right. I am looking forward to working at home with my dogs and in my pajamas.

Many of the things I have had to plan would not be necessary if I did not live alone. It just goes to show that although some might think it is easier to be alone it is not always the case.

Loneliness……Am I Ever Truly Alone?

A few years ago when I found out my husband was sick, I knew that one day I would be alone.  I had been alone many times in my life and I knew I could survive  the loneliness.  Or so I thought.  Growing up I was an only child.  My parents had me in their mid to late thirties.  I spent a good part of my childhood alone.  While my parents loved me with all their heart, they were not one to encourage me having friends over.  I was the kid who could be your friend at school but after school there was no play dates or God forbid sleepovers.  I spent a great deal of time in my room alone as a child.  This was fine for me since I didn’t know any other way.

I got married at the age of twenty and when I was twenty-three had a beautiful baby girl.  She is my only biological child. I was an only child so I thought nothing of having only one child.  My husband came from a family of eight and all they did was fight.  My daughter says that sometimes she wishes she had a sibling, but most of the time no way.  If she had a sibling it would mean she would have to share.  My daughter and I share a very close special bond.  She is now twenty-one and married, but we are still very close.  She says she definitely wants more than one child.  She wants her kids to be able to share the bond of siblings.

I am a practicing catholic and I truly believe in angels. I feel when the people you love die they are given the power to watch over you so to speak.  I know of many instances where a person could have been severely hurt or even died but didn’t because of a minor miracle.  I think the miracle comes in the form of an angel.  I will give you a couple of examples.  When my daughter was one, my husband was in a terrible car accident while deer hunting.  Looking at the damaged van, one would wonder how did he ever survive.  I think his mother in the form of an angel saved his life on that rainy night.  By doing this he was able to raise our daughter for another 18 years.  Her life would have been vastly different if he had died on that fateful night. A couple of years ago on her way home from college, my daughter was in a terrible car accident.  Her car crossed all lanes of traffic and flipped over five times. She survived the crash with only bad scrapes and bruises.  She told me later that night that she felt someone’s arms come around her and hold her from the start of the accident.  To this day, both of us believe those arms belonged to her father who had died eight months before.

You can call me crazy if you want but I think each of us has one or more of our own angels looking out for us everyday.  Now that is not to say that bad things still don’t happen.  I just think that we are sometimes given second chances from a higher being. I have been feeling lonelier than usual lately.  There have been many things I have had to deal with lately alone.  My mother is fighting early Alzheimer’s disease and it is challenging to keep an eye on her. My daughter and son-in-law will be coming home from college soon and need to make plans for next year. I am trying to help them decide what is best for them.  I also found out in the last couple of weeks that I will be needing two surgeries in the next couple of months. My first surgery is a foot surgery involving a lump that has a 50% chance of being cancer. Now the possibility is scary for anyone, but considering I will be alone to recover after the surgery is especially daunting. I am not looking for sympathy at all.  I am trying to point out that there are certain times that loneliness seems more pronounced. For my second surgery, a follow-up to a hysterectomy, I am waiting until the kids come home because the recovery period will be longer and more extensive.

I live alone not by choice but because that is how things happened.  My kids are home when there are breaks from college.  All other times it is just me and our two dogs.  Most of the time I am so busy that I don’t mind being alone too much. But it is hard to be alone in times of crisis and pain.  I know my dad and my husband will look out for me. I am not so scared about my upcoming surgery as I am about being alone afterward. Being an invalid gives one a good amount of time to think. I know firsthand as this will be my fourth foot surgery. I am wondering , however, if I am really going to be alone. Or will my guardian angels be there with me very step of the way to help me feel like I am not alone.